


Mistress only ever seems to complain, and now here she is, putting this shit in one of her safe spaces.

by MistressChaos



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Abandonment Issues, And a prick, Anxiety, Depression, Self Esteem Issues, Slice of Life, and self centered, but i dont really have options, but its me being an attention whore god damnit, but on the bright side, eating problems, hello hi this is my first fic, i dont like her spouse, i dont like living with them tbh, i dont wanna bother my SO, idk what tags to put, im sorry, my mother is dating an adult who is childish, my mother remarried, so here i am bugging you guys, that adult is abusive, this could make a nice undertale fanfic, trigger warning, wait i kinda knew this, wow im a mess
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-27
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-01 06:08:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 3,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23346706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MistressChaos/pseuds/MistressChaos
Summary: i guess this can be called a cry for help? but in reality i just need to vent. i feel like all i do is bother my SO with my problems and i dont think this really counts as one, but i just fucking hate it where i am and the only way i can escape for a bit is to go online and read read read to try and ignore the bullshit going on around me and in my head.i just want someone to take me away from this hell im supposed to call home. i dont  really have options
Comments: 38
Kudos: 14





	1. a little about me, and the shitty Beau

hey, my name is MistressChaos, but you can call me Miss, Mistress, Chaos, or MC, for example. i made this book, because my life at home isnt something i really enjoy coming back to. I dont like it at all, but theres not much i can really do about it.

so here i am, making this first chapter, but before anything i wanna give you soem information, so yall dont think im being dramatic or spoiled or anything of the sorts.

i am currently a sophmore in highschool. i picked it all on my own, and had filled everything out all alone. at the time, it was just me, my brother, and my mom. Or so i thought. turns out my mama had a beau in italy, and kept it a secret. i didnt know until i walked in on my mama facetiming them. Now at the time i was unaware they were together, but i had come out to my mother a while ago, and she wasnt very accepting. She said i was confused, and that i didnt know what i want. MInd you i ended up finding out that my moms beau was a cis female, who dresses masculine.

IN THIS RANT BOOK I WILL ALTERNATE BETWEEN SHE/HER AND HE/HIM. SIMPLY BECAUSE THEY DONT CARE ABOUT PRONOUNS AND I CANT DECIDE WHICH TO USE

fast forward they date, and mama's beau comes to america and they move into our very small, very cramped, house. At first Beau was kind, and blah blah blah the usual stuff and whatnot. but then, after a while he changed, so to speak. Now, Beau is very very strict, and tries to impose his pallet, and lifestyle onto my brother and i, and we've adapted, as to not cause problems for our mother, who took care of us on her own but we dont like Beau. at all.

i have been battling depression and anxiety on my own for a while, and last year, April 14. during spring break, had finally told my mother about my mental battles, and i start therapy. it was going good, but.. October 23, i lost a very good friend of mine to suicide. and that made those whispers louder. i told my therapist about these thoughts, and was nearly hospitalized. my mom... she wasn't glad, nor worried about me. she seemed inconvenienced, at most. asked me if i was just looking for attention. 

needless to say, i havent gone to therapy since.

now, i'm stuck at home, in this quarantine, with the two people i want to stay away from. in this house i'm supposed to call home. but the thing is,

I dont like my house. At all. For me, this isn't home, and i doubt it ever will be. i just dont have the motivation, the will, to do anything anymore.

my step mother, (who is a whole other case that i dont want to get into at the moment) told me i dont do my part here, and that if i dont itll not only cause me more problems at the house (because home is something i refuse to call this place) but it will also cause problems later in life. and she will talk to my mother so she can take away my laptop, not only my phone. i had already told my step mom (and if i do have actual reader, could you guys help me find names for the people i know im gonna talk about?) a while ago that shes not my father no matter how masculine she acts or dresses, when i needed a father in my life he left and wanted someone better instead of me, and i came to terms with it and can take care of my self (for the most part) but it doenst stop her from acting like shes my parent. 

if im honest i just wanna feel needed in this house, and not just to clean, or to cook

i just dont know what to do. i just dont wanna be here and i dont have many options.


	2. here we go again..

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> why would an adult, a fully grown human, being mock a child?

anyway, today, Beau had cooked, and decided i'd eat some leftovers from another day ( i reaaaaally didnt care about it, im just tired of soup, why soup? why soup for three consecutive days?? its a quarantine not a stars damned apocalypse) and while i was washing a few things, there wasnt enough rice or something (i was kinda in my head) and i tried assuring my mom that it was okay, to eat as much as they needed, and if anything ill make more later, but the spouse, ( being an immature little shit, acting like a 12 year old and not the 32, 33 next month, year old woman they are) decided to mock me, and when my mother called her out on it, you know what her response was?

"what? im learning"

as when i assured my mother that it was okay, i had simply said it in english, and didnt think much about it. usually id simply roll my eyes, but im on my period at the moment so i know theres a chance im overreacting about what had just happened. and i dont have any way to contact my SO as the shitty spouse had taken my phone for the simple reason of me falling asleep with my phone on the bed.

any other way id contact them (hangouts) isnt working so i dont have him to distract me and cheer me up so i did this.

my throat's tight and is starting to hurt because i was close from crying (huge overreaction in my opinion but i cant control my body) and i went back to my room, stating that id eat later.

i havent really been eating well since this lockdown started, but then again, i could loose some baby fat anyway.

im really close to just up and leaving the house, corona virus be damned. theyd probably wouldnt notice anyway


	3. Chapter 3

hi, im back again with another rant...

today started off okayish? my step parent woke me up in a mood simply because i hadnt cleaned the kitchen after they had their tea (which i refused to do as it was late, and why would i have to clean after them if theyre the ones who wanted tea?)

but anyway, dinner time comes and my brother wanted to cook, but step parent was in a mood blah blah blah, i make a mistake and my mother threatened to break a plate on my head, then said that i never do anything right, and fixed the problem caused. after we eat she continues to make jabs, mock, critisize, and make comments at me. when she saw that i was visibly upset, she says that shes joking and that i take things to seriously.

im just bout ready to run away, i dont think i can wait until im 18.

also, im editing the first chapter to give you guys more insight on my life, so if you wan, go read it?


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> today was an okay day, actually!

today was okay, i woke up to my brother, and not the usual screeching of either my mom or Beau.

however my brother and i have talked about talking to our mom, and telling her how we feel about living with her and wishing to stay someplace else (most likely with our father) we may or may not do it tomorrow. although im not sure if she will do anything about it. last time i told her i didnt want to live with her she simply ignored/forgot about it, and i havent done anything about it. personally, i feel as if shes's putting her relationship before her children.

i understand that my brother and i aren't small children, but she isnt really there for us. the last time she asked me how my day was, burst into tears, and has no idea how to respond. but whenever Beau has some sort of problem, she is quick to jump to help him, despite my brother and i being the ones to defend her during beau's drunken behavior, or just general bitchyness. it was me who rushed to her after i saw her collapse onto the floor as she walked away from beau, just finishing a screaming match. Beau didnt help. i did. i waked her up the steps, i gave her water, and put her head in my lap. i do question why i put up with it, if she doesnt show the same amount of compassion as i do for her, but i dont do much about it anymore. i understand she has her priorities, and im not one of them.

but thats besides the point. i have packed an emergency bag, where if the occasion arises where i need to leave for any reason (fire, my parents, me running away) i can just change into some actual clothes, grab the bags prepared, and leave quickly. i have discussed this with a friend irl, and they urged me not to run away,and to sleep on it and think of the legal problems it may cause. safe to say i decided not to. yet, anyway. but thats all. as i said there have been no problems today, no snide comments, no jabs, nothing. and its made me pretty happy today, despite me packing that bag in secret. im also saving up money slowly but surely! i only have two dolars, but then again its always been hard to get cash, as theres not really any place hiring people my age, nor do i get an allowance. but im saving! i have two dollars! thats good! and for when i do get a job, i have my own cards in my name where the money can go. so im ready for anything!

and for those who read,and those who offer to listen to me, i just want to thank you so much. i didnt think anyone would read this, and i was considering this to be just something to put out there,just to get it off my chest.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a quick update on how everythings going, cuz its been a few days

so everythings been okayish, i have my phone in my room at night now, so yay!

theres no fighting, side comments, ect. so thats an even better plus. but they have benn putting alot on my plate so to speak, and im not sure if thats a good or bad thing? like, Beau is supposed to watch over this baby, he gets paid for it, its his job. but more often than not im the one who feeds, changes, and watches over the kid until he decides he has to do it, or i just end up taking care of the kid despite having to do my chores.

Ive also been cooking alot lately?? they either make me help with cooking, or they make me cook everything with little to no instruction, so i usually have no clue what im making. im kinda tired of being so active and needed, if im honest. i think i liked it better when they left me alone instead of having all this just dumped on me. they say since both of them are working im gonna have to cook for them, and that includes having the house clean and im just not sure how to feel about it? i havent brought it up with SO yet, cuz i feel like this isnt really a big deal and any type of attention is better than none?

what i really need is affection if im honest, i havent had someone hug or hold my hand in a while and tbh i thrive on that kind of stuff, so my battery is running low, so to speak.

anyway, my moms been making and selling fabric masks, and Beau came in and just tossed some onto my bed, and simply told me to take some elastics off (ind you im a nail bitter with very bad eyesight, those knots are so fucking small i have no idea how they think i can do this) i dont really feel like i have a choice in the things i do anymore?? like they simply tell me to do this or that, and i cant say no or else im misbehaving?? 

besides them forcing responsibilities onto me, ive been fine.


	6. UPDATE (SUPER QUICK)

HEY GUYS IM OKAY, MY LAPTOP JUST DIED ON ME AND MY PHONE TAKEN AT THE MOMENT, BUT RIGHT NOW IM WORKING OUT A UNDERTAKE FANFIC AND I HOPE YALL LIKE IT WHEN J DECIDE TO POST IT AFTER I EITHER GET MY PHONE OR GET A NEW LAPTOP

THANK YOU AKL FOR THE SUPPORT ILL SEE YALL SOON


	7. Chapter 7

hey guys! i just got a temporary laptop, provided to me by my school so i can do my schoolwork!

i hope i havent worried any of you in my absence, despite my quick update!


	8. asshole brother

my brother just started spouting nonsense saying stuff about my SO, saying the reason he's been distant lately is cuz he´s probably talking to other, better girls. and earlier I was pissed he would even think about saying stuff like that about the one person who actually make me look forward to mornings

me being alone in my room now, I can't stop thinking about it even though I know it's not true. I can't get it out of my head and I can't make it stop

update/edit Friday may 8 @ 1:38 am

I feel better now, I cried it out but imma turn in now. night guys


	9. Chapter 9

Good morning! its currently 7 am. the shitstain has left for work an hour ago. but The little rat I refer to as Beau has snuck into my room while I was asleep, and attempted to stay quiet as he unplugged and took my phone from where I had it. I woke up while the Lil shit did this, but did not confront, as I didn't know what bullshit hed try to get my ass in trouble

I hate it when people come into my room while I'm asleep, it disrupts me, my sleep, and what little peace I have in here. man, I'm fed up. Beauś childish ass has been in a fucking mood for the last two days and needs to be put in place or something but mama just likes having an asshole in the house. if that rat doesn't leave i will.

man I knew she choose her damn relationship over us. I just hoped I was wrong.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oooooh boy do I have alot to sayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

I FINALLY TALKED TO MY MOM ON SATURDAY . TOLD HER EVERY LITTLE THOUGHT I HAD ABOUT THAT HORRID LITTLE NEWT SLIME ALL OF A HUMAN BEING. 

but that's not the beginning, it was last Saturday, the 16th. We were celebrating my birthday and the asshole beau was in a mood and quite disrespectful, nothing unusual.

Far forward to us heading home from my uncle's house. Turns out my auntie and beau had a bit so pleasant conversation and she decided to leave the morning after. My auntie said that my brother and I hate it here, it's toxic and not okay and that my mother deserves better..

The adults began to argue, ad I was a wreck. I had decided that if the two people who could make this place somewhat okay we're leaving, so was I. But I wasn't okay, wasn't in the right headspace.

I was in hysterics, I was shaking, crying,and struggling to breath. I was packing my bags, but I'm the middle of it lost control and began to dissociate, curling myself into a ball while holding tight onto the sleeves of my S/O's hoodie. I did manage to calm myself somewhat, but my cousin dragged me out of my room and told us to speak our price about beau

I thought it would change. My mom said she didn't love him, there's no fixing the relationship, and that her kids come before love...it was great! Somewhat. I still felt awkward around her, after all that time she drifted away and I didn't see her as my mother anymore.

( The rest of this is what I wrote in a journal) 

But of course we find out that she decided to forgive him a few days later, why am I not surprised. She picked him, over us. 

I wanna cry, I wanna cry hard and loud and ugly but I don't have anywhere private to do so. I'm constantly around people and my cousin sleeps with me.

I'm hurt, that she lied to me like that. But I always had a feeling she'd go back to him. I just want my mom back, but I guess that's not going to happen. She's gone, and I give up trying. 

I don't wanna be here, I hate it here. I wanna run away, I need space. But I have no place to go. Can't go to my dad, I don't exactly have the best relationship with him. And even if I did, I don't necessarily want to be around any immediate family for a long long time.

Why does it hurt so much? Why am I tired, why does my throat hurt, why do my eyes burn. Just why?

I want a hug, but I don't have Anyone right now. I wanna go back to school, I want to have a reason to be out of the house for 8 hours and come back late, I don't want to have family dinners I want to be alone in my room with music playing So I can cry cry cry until my eyes are red and my throat is raw and I'm so tired from lack of air that when I do fall asleep I am unbothered and dead to the world until I wake up the next day. 

I wanna see S/O so that I can finally feel safe with someone because my mom obviously isn't it, and I feel uncomfortable around that asshole. I just wanna laze about all day without being yelled at for not doing anything right. I just wanna feel loved and needed at home but I don't think that's gonna happen at all so I just want to leave I need to leave I can't ruin all this progress

I need therapy, I need medication, I need to leave this horrible toxic environment that I was never able to call home. 

I don't want to have another episode like I did Saturday. I don't want to dissociate again, with tears in my eyes and the air out of my lungs, my own hands pulling at my hair, tearing at my scalp, yanking and pulling so I can ground myself. I don't wanna be in hysterics simply because i hear an argument going bad. I was doing so good, I was able to tune it out, and at most get a small headache but now I can't stop myself from flinching at loud unexpected noises, from having a tired look on my face, eyes lidded and dull. I don't want to leave my room ever, I want to die in there and just dissapear forever.

I want to hide in my closet until the bad noises are gone, but it's currently full, and messy and I have no way of making it into a hiding spot until I'm the only person in my room by that's not happening for three months 

It was supposed to be a good summer, a fun summer, a summer where I can act like a normal teenage girl who recently turned 16. I was supposed to go on dates, hang out with my friends, go out on my own, shop until I dropped, change my wardrobe..just have fun and feel normal for once. I was going to learn to love my own skin, manage my hair and find it as pretty as everyone else says it is, just love myself and feel confident enough to accept the compliments that Alex is hell-bent on giving me, confident enough so I can actually smile when I see my reflection instead of avoiding looking in mirrors because I hate what I see. 

I actually believed her,when she said she was done. I thought that raquel would leave, and with due time I would fix what I could between my mom and i. That I would be able to tell her certain things, like shes always saying i should.she says I should be close to her but every time I open my mouth I wish I could glue it shut because no one ever listens. So I bottle it up and keep it in so that it doesn't hurt when I'm ignored but it feels like im swallowing glass.

And I just wish I was brave enough to do something about how I feel, get rid of the bad icky feeling in my chest but that bad icky feeling is called breathing, and I'm too scared to do anything, and I know it'll hurt people I care about. Like( name's taken out) and so many more. So I gotta stick through it. No one, wants a repeat of *him* so ill stay no matter how much i really really want to leave like he did.

I don't wanna stay here until 18, I know for a fact I'll be gone before then.


End file.
